CM: Children in the Family

Chapter 8: Lots of great insight, ideas and examples for families and for churches equipping and supporting families. Here are a couple of quotes that stood out for me:

-"Children are troubled by double standards and lose respect for parents who continue to demand of them what they are unwilling to do themselves. But if we listen to our children and take a look at ourselves through their eyes, they can help us grow and build greater consistency into our life. In some cases we need to conform to standards we set for our children, but in other situations we will realize that our demands on the children are unreasonable and we need to relax them." [CM p. 160]

Both as parents and teachers children (because they're always watching) hold us responsible for our choices, attitudes, and behaviors. It takes wisdom to know when we, ourselves, need to live up to the standards we set for kids and when we need to relax them for everyone. Sometimes we marvel at the ways they model us. Sometimes, we're appalled. We ask, "Why? What are we doing? What have I done to make them think _____[acting badly] is ok?"

Every grown up has to ask, "Is it more important that I hold myself and my children to standards even if those standards are always just out of reach or is it more important to hold standards that we can actually achieve adding more as we succeed?" Am I willing to relax my unreasonable expectations even when I seem to fall short in the face of a faith community that seems to have it all together?

You are who you are, not your neighbor yet God requires each of us to keep His word no matter who we are. There are social expectations in any group yet we're a group of individuals. We aren't all the same. Wisdom helps us sort through all the voices, demands, and expectations. It helps us focus and prioritize and set reasonable personal and family goals. Sometimes we need help to accomplish our goals. Sometimes we need someone to say, "Relax!" Ultimately it's what God thinks that matters. But how do we know? Did you ever hear one person say to another, "You may be frustrated about [this] but you really know how to [love your kids]. They seem to always know you love them."

Start with success and add challenges as appropriate. It takes some humility but it can be fun trying to master challenging tasks together. "Nobody wants to take out the garbage but it has to get done. Let's do it together. You get the little bags from the little cans. I'll get the big bags." You can also each pick something different that's hard for you, set goals and try to reach them side by side. Find ways to reward or celebrate your successes and your child's successes. Praise a child when you notice them doing something good, especially if it's unplanned.

-Here's another, " . . . for some family has become an idol, valued above everyone and everything else . . . Families need to worship and learn regularly with others to know that they belong to a large family of people who love and serve God." [CM p. 169] I think building trust, being willing to learn from and receive from others, being willing to give to others (not just stuff but who they are as a family and as individuals) helps families focus outside of themselves.

-Here's another, "When parents are unable to give children what they need, young ones can still find comfort and nurture in God's presence . . . don't assume that God is not there. Look for evidence of God's presence in the child's life, and find ways for the family of God to surround the child with love and support." [CM p. 159]

We can help children learn to see God working in their lives. We can help family members see God working in their lives and in the lives of others. Sometimes people need that kind of encouragement. It may be as simple as asking the question, "What do you see God doing?" or sharing ways that you see God present with them. It may be as simple as having someone to praise them for the things they do right. Encouragement goes a long way - in the family of God, in any family.

"I noticed that you shared your cookies with your little sister. That was a special thing to do." Next time you hand the older child a cookie, "If you give your sister a chocolate cookie we have to be ready to wipe the chocolate off her hands and face before she touches something. Here's one without chocolate. See if she'll take this one, instead."

Does God only focus on the things we do wrong? Does He encourage us? How does God encourage you? How does God encourage your children?